Wednesday, April 1, 2015

body image battles

current weight: 58 kg
prenatal weight: 65kg
just before delivery weight: 80 kg

weight lost: 22 kg

God, I hate this inner battle within myself to be thin. I try my best to stay positive and optimistic but the truth is that it really sucks. Every time I eat rice or noodles or bread I feel so guilty for eating carbs. I automatically feel fat and start wondering how much I weigh. Is this normal? How did my eating habits become so destructive and unhealthy?

Whenever I read people talk about how fat they are and compare their weights on their blogs or photographs I get so mad and irritated. These girls are skinny and are still complaining about their body. Why are we never satisfied? Why do we associate beauty with skinny?

As a dancer growing up, I was always told to watch my weight. I was never one of the feather weight light ones and there was always a complaint whenever I had to be lifted. This did not help my self esteem in any way.

As a daughter, I was also always reminded about my weight. I was always told whenever I put on but never told when I have lost. So I am always thinking when will what I have lost be enough?

As a friend of many beautiful ladies in my life, I am also always the biggest one. I have ample hips, my waist is far from cinched and I have strong thighs. Why is my body so difficult to love then?

I need to practice a healthier body image for myself because I do not want my little girl to have such a love/hate relationship to food. I don't want my insecurities to pass on to her. I want to promote a healthier image where you basically burn off what you eat by exercise. I try to project an active lifestyle so that my kids will hopefully emulate one day.

It's tough, being positive. My journey towards fitness was not during my dancing days because that was an era ago and I was not conscious as I am today. It was last year, a year after the birth of my twins where I started to watch what I eat and exercise consistently. It has given me more energy and strength to take care of my twins single handedly. But I have slacked a lot over the past two months and that is why I am probably so self loathing.

I have had my second bodytone session this week and I feel good. I am starting to love myself again and embrace everything I am right now. You know how it is right? You feel awful but when you look at the same photos ten years down the line you wonder why you thought you were fat to begin with.

Love yourself ladies. Live a little, eat a little. I'm trying my utmost best.

Eat like no one will see you naked.